This is gonna be a long one. I wasn’t always a K-pop (Korean pop) fan. An old friend introduced me to k-pop in middle school. The first k-pop song I had ever heard was SHINee’s Ring Ding Dong. I didn’t like it at first, it wasn’t particularly my cup of tea. I then went home and I found a few of their other songs and gave them a listen and I fell in love with this group. They were all seriously multi-talented people who, in my opinion, deserved more praise than they got. I’m now in my twenties and in college and I am still a huge fan of SHINee. Kim Jonghyun contributed so much to the group and to the k-pop industry as a whole. He was an incredible singer, a great dancer, a fantastic songwriter and as a soloist, I was so glad when his albums did well. It came as a complete shock to me when I found out what had happened to him yesterday.
I woke up yesterday, same as I always would and I got a cup of coffee and sat with my family while they were preparing for the morning and watching the news. My dog greeted me with his ears down and his tail wagging and in return, I gave him a nice rub behind the ears and cuddled him. Suddenly I hear my mom go, “Look! SHINee died!” I at first thought it was a joke, as my family thinks that it’s rather silly of me that I like k-pop so much. So naturally I go “hardy-har-har, no they didn’t.” “No seriously. Why would I joke about that?” I sigh and go get my phone from my room, disconnect it from its charger and check the news. I type “shinee” into the google search bar and wait. The headlines made my heart skip a beat. There were so many in all kinds of news sources so I knew that this wasn’t just some cruel rumor. I go back into the living room where my family waits for me and I tell them that my mother was right, someone in SHINee, my favorite group, was dead. My empathic sister goes “Oh no! I feel bad for her! She loves them!” I pretend that I’m ok in front of them. Then I go walk my dog and while we’re walking through the park I let it out. It was fairly early in the morning and since it’s cold there aren’t too many people out so hardly anyone saw my tears. I was genuinely hurt by Jonghyun’s death. He was someone that I admired greatly and whose songs I would listen to almost every day. I was hoping to attend a concert of his in the future.
I was surprised to hear that he was so depressed. He always seemed to be smiling and he constantly seemed happy. I’ve heard that it’s common for depressed people to not act depressed all the time. Something that I did notice however was that on his latest album and with the last singles he put out, the lyrics…they were rather sad. They spoke of hopelessness and loneliness. He was really crying out for help. I also read his suicide note and that spoke of loneliness as well. He spoke of how he had been depressed for a long time and how he had tried to go get help but, nothing seemed to do the trick. I feel bad for him, that he was so sad and felt so helpless that he saw that the only way out was suicide. I too have struggled with depression in the past. I know that it’s hard I know that giving up entirely seems like a good idea. But it’s not. This is the point where I stop being nice and start being real and honest. I got some really, really good advice concerning depression and emotions. If you don’t want to hear it (cus you might not like what you hear) then stop reading right here.
I really hate suicide. Suicide is the most SELFISH thing a person can do. I mean it. Kim Jonghyun made a selfish choice when he decided to commit suicide. In his suicide note, he said that the doctor he went to told him that he was the problem. He didn’t like that. He didn’t like being told the truth. He didn’t want to hear that problem was with him, and not with another person, not with his job or anything else. He asked the doctor why he should continue living. He said he believed that the doctor told him to go on for him, for other people. Jonghyun didn’t want to hear that either. He said he wanted it to be for himself. He said he wanted to live for himself. Selfish. In his note, he said he didn’t want anyone to feel bad about it and that he didn’t want anyone to be mad at him, that he just wanted people to say that he worked hard. He felt that he wasn’t good enough and that he would never be good enough. Not talented enough. Anyone that knows SHINee or Jonghyun knows that those things aren’t true. I understand when someone feels like they aren’t good enough, everyone feels that way sometimes. But, to take your own life for that…almost unforgivable.
Suicide is selfish because there are repercussions. Your suicide affects other people. Family, friends and in his case fans. He had millions of fans and people that cared for him. Him committing suicide reflects how he truly thought. That he was more important than them. That the pain that he would cause to all of those people doesn’t matter because he was in pain. Instead of thinking about what the doctor said, taking it in and considering it, he decided to reject it completely. Jonghyun wanted to hear what he wanted to hear and if it wasn’t that then the doctor was wrong.
Let’s talk about depression. I’ve had it. I know people that have had it and were suicidal but, didn’t go through with it because they knew better. When you are depressed I know that it is so hard to dig yourself out if that hole. I had to do it. I had to force myself out. You know how? You have to change your thinking. It is so easy to let the bad thoughts run rampant through your mind and do serious damage, but you can’t allow that to happen. I’ve gotten good it. When I feel those thoughts come in I take a breath and say no. I say that’s not true, get out of here with that bs, we are never going back. A lot of people don’t realize that they have the power. They do. They can make it stop. It’s your mind. You control it. For those people whining about a chemical imbalance, your making excuses for yourself so that you don’t have to try. So that there is no responsibility on your shoulders.
I don’t know what Jonghyun’s faith was. I prayed that prior to his death that he was saved. If he was not saved, then I think that that’s really terrible. That is the truth, as harsh as it is that is the undeniable truth. I hope that after I die that I will be able to meet him in paradise and if he isn’t there…If he were faithful or maybe more faithful then I truly don’t believe that this would have happened. When things get rough we are supposed to rely on God. We are supposed to lay all our burdens on him. Deuteronomy 31:8 “And the LORD,he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.” God is always with you. Jesus sacrificed his life for you and he is everlasting. He is what should sustain you. If you can find no reason to live, no reason to believe in yourself. Then don’t. Believe and trust in him instead. Believe and trust in other people.
Suicide is selfish and cowardly. Jonghyun instead, like the doctor said, wanted to run away from this rather than face it. So, while I am sad that he gave up and he did indeed work hard in his career I am also not afraid to call it like I see it. He was a selfish coward. A kind, talented and selfish coward. I’m still a little mad but, I mean it. He will be missed, this shouldn’t have happened.
Thank you for reading,
God bless
Just A Medium Town Girl 