Depression and Suicide


This is gonna be a long one. I wasn’t always a K-pop (Korean pop) fan. An old friend introduced me to k-pop in middle school. The first k-pop song I had ever heard was SHINee’s Ring Ding Dong. I didn’t like it at first, it wasn’t particularly my cup of tea. I then went home and I found a few of their other songs and gave them a listen and I fell in love with this group. They were all seriously multi-talented people who, in my opinion, deserved more praise than they got. I’m now in my twenties and in college and I am still a huge fan of SHINee. Kim Jonghyun contributed so much to the group and to the k-pop industry as a whole. He was an incredible singer, a great dancer, a fantastic songwriter and as a soloist, I was so glad when his albums did well. It came as a complete shock to me when I found out what had happened to him yesterday.

I woke up yesterday, same as I always would and I got a cup of coffee and sat with my family while they were preparing for the morning and watching the news. My dog greeted me with his ears down and his tail wagging and in return, I gave him a nice rub behind the ears and cuddled him. Suddenly I hear my mom go, “Look! SHINee died!” I at first thought it was a joke, as my family thinks that it’s rather silly of me that I like k-pop so much. So naturally I go “hardy-har-har, no they didn’t.” “No seriously. Why would I joke about that?” I sigh and go get my phone from my room, disconnect it from its charger and check the news. I type “shinee” into the google search bar and wait. The headlines made my heart skip a beat. There were so many in all kinds of news sources so I knew that this wasn’t just some cruel rumor. I go back into the living room where my family waits for me and I tell them that my mother was right, someone in SHINee, my favorite group, was dead. My empathic sister goes “Oh no! I feel bad for her! She loves them!” I pretend that I’m ok in front of them. Then I go walk my dog and while we’re walking through the park I let it out. It was fairly early in the morning and since it’s cold there aren’t too many people out so hardly anyone saw my tears. I was genuinely hurt by Jonghyun’s death. He was someone that I admired greatly and whose songs I would listen to almost every day. I was hoping to attend a concert of his in the future.

I was surprised to hear that he was so depressed. He always seemed to be smiling and he constantly seemed happy. I’ve heard that it’s common for depressed people to not act depressed all the time. Something that I did notice however was that on his latest album and with the last singles he put out, the lyrics…they were rather sad. They spoke of hopelessness and loneliness. He was really crying out for help. I also read his suicide note and that spoke of loneliness as well. He spoke of how he had been depressed for a long time and how he had tried to go get help but, nothing seemed to do the trick. I feel bad for him, that he was so sad and felt so helpless that he saw that the only way out was suicide. I too have struggled with depression in the past. I know that it’s hard I know that giving up entirely seems like a good idea. But it’s not. This is the point where I stop being nice and start being real and honest. I got some really, really good advice concerning depression and emotions. If you don’t want to hear it (cus you might not like what you hear) then stop reading right here.

I really hate suicide. Suicide is the most SELFISH thing a person can do. I mean it. Kim Jonghyun made a selfish choice when he decided to commit suicide. In his suicide note, he said that the doctor he went to told him that he was the problem. He didn’t like that. He didn’t like being told the truth. He didn’t want to hear that problem was with him, and not with another person, not with his job or anything else. He asked the doctor why he should continue living. He said he believed that the doctor told him to go on for him, for other people. Jonghyun didn’t want to hear that either. He said he wanted it to be for himself. He said he wanted to live for himself. Selfish. In his note, he said he didn’t want anyone to feel bad about it and that he didn’t want anyone to be mad at him, that he just wanted people to say that he worked hard. He felt that he wasn’t good enough and that he would never be good enough. Not talented enough. Anyone that knows SHINee or Jonghyun knows that those things aren’t true. I understand when someone feels like they aren’t good enough, everyone feels that way sometimes. But, to take your own life for that…almost unforgivable.

Suicide is selfish because there are repercussions. Your suicide affects other people. Family, friends and in his case fans. He had millions of fans and people that cared for him. Him committing suicide reflects how he truly thought. That he was more important than them. That the pain that he would cause to all of those people doesn’t matter because he was in pain. Instead of thinking about what the doctor said, taking it in and considering it, he decided to reject it completely. Jonghyun wanted to hear what he wanted to hear and if it wasn’t that then the doctor was wrong.

Let’s talk about depression. I’ve had it. I know people that have had it and were suicidal but, didn’t go through with it because they knew better. When you are depressed I know that it is so hard to dig yourself out if that hole. I had to do it. I had to force myself out. You know how? You have to change your thinking. It is so easy to let the bad thoughts run rampant through your mind and do serious damage, but you can’t allow that to happen. I’ve gotten good it. When I feel those thoughts come in I take a breath and say no. I say that’s not true, get out of here with that bs, we are never going back. A lot of people don’t realize that they have the power. They do. They can make it stop. It’s your mind. You control it. For those people whining about a chemical imbalance, your making excuses for yourself so that you don’t have to try. So that there is no responsibility on your shoulders.

I don’t know what Jonghyun’s faith was. I prayed that prior to his death that he was saved. If he was not saved, then I think that that’s really terrible. That is the truth, as harsh as it is that is the undeniable truth. I hope that after I die that I will be able to meet him in paradise and if he isn’t there…If he were faithful or maybe more faithful then I truly don’t believe that this would have happened. When things get rough we are supposed to rely on God. We are supposed to lay all our burdens on him. Deuteronomy 31:8 “And the LORD,he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.” God is always with you. Jesus sacrificed his life for you and he is everlasting. He is what should sustain you. If you can find no reason to live, no reason to believe in yourself. Then don’t. Believe and trust in him instead. Believe and trust in other people.

Suicide is selfish and cowardly. Jonghyun instead, like the doctor said, wanted to run away from this rather than face it. So, while I am sad that he gave up and he did indeed work hard in his career I am also not afraid to call it like I see it. He was a selfish coward. A kind, talented and selfish coward. I’m still a little mad but, I mean it. He will be missed, this shouldn’t have happened.

Thank you for reading,

God bless




I love this guy. This guy right here is Nightwing aka Dick Grayson aka the OG Robin to Bruce Wayne’s Batman. This guy is my favorite D.C. hero and I think he’s actually my favorite hero of all time. I just love this character so much. I love how he grows and develops as a character. Nightwing is complex as well; just like Batman. Both of these characters are flawed people who, in their minds, are doing the right thing. And also he’s hot, so that’s a plus.

Oh my goodness. Where to even begin with this guy. Ok so he’s definitely had it hard in the past. He was a part of Haly’s circus where he and his parents performed regularly as acrobats. Until one day tragedy strikes, and his parents are killed. This is when he is taken under Bruce Wayne’s ‘batwing’. Get it? Cus he’s Batman?…………I think I’m funny.

Anyway, I like this character the best out of all the heroes for several reasons.

He is very “human”. Like I said before, he’s flawed. He has feelings, he cares for people. Hence, why he is in the profession that he’s in. You could say the same for Batman but Batman, for me anyway, is a character that you would have a harder time identifying with. With Nightwing I feel like you can identify more with him. When Batman struggles with something he’ll shut himself off and go take his anger out on some criminals or he’ll just go get drunk. Which is the case for some people (I mean the drunk thing, not the crime fighting thing). When Nightwing is struggling with something you can tell he’s angry because he tends to lash out at people. He’s not a physically unhealthy dude, he’s not really a drinker. But emotionally he struggles because he internalizes everything. In my opinion this more relatable, people get upset and cut themselves off from others or they lash out or both. I’ve done this before, I’m not proud to say, but Dick Grayson is a little more human because of this.

Just to add on to the human thing, he’s high up in the Justice League. He has no powers but he has made it very far. Nightwing is actually one of the most trusted members of the Justice League, a lot of people count on him. I think the fact that Dick Grayson, a human, was chosen to lead the Teen Titans speaks to the kind of person he is and his capabilities. He is a natural leader, albeit the pressure does get to him from time to time; he is incredibly smart and caring. These things make him a good leader. He is very logical but he would never put one of his team members in a position to die in order for the mission to be successful.

He is a lot like Batman. He acts a lot like Batman and he has a lot of the same beliefs as Bruce seeing as Bruce took him in and trained him. Dick hates being compared to Bruce. He says that he doesn’t want to be like him and that he isn’t like him. Nightwing can indeed go dark sometimes. He was in agreement with Bruce when it was revealed that Bruce had taken some extreme measures to combat the members of the Justice League just in case. Also similar to Bruce,Nightwing isn’t afraid to hurt someone’s feelings. There are times when he lashes out, sure. But even when he’s not upset if he has a critique for a person or if he’s just trying to get his point across he’ll be blunt. He will spare no one in that regard. But Nightwing isn’t always Mr. Serious like Bruce is. Nightwing knows how to have fun and joke around. This can be seen throughout almost of the comics that he’s in. I love him even more for this. He’s an excellent hero and a good person.

Here is link to a blog that does a better job than me explaining Nightwing as a character. I encourage you give it read.

Thank you for reading,

God bless


Why I Like Anime


Before I begin this post I just want to put it out there that I am not a weeaboo. Ok? Ok.

So as you can tell by the title I like anime. I like it a lot. My first anime was either Sailor Moon or Dragonball Z, I’m unsure which came first. Back then I wasn’t aware that what I was witnessing was Japanese animation. I did, however, notice the difference in the style of the animation. American animation doesn’t look like this. I noticed that American animation tends to lean more towards the cartoony/goofy side whereas Japanese animation will often try to mimic the real world a little more. I really enjoy this detail-oriented style of animation.

I come for the animation and I stay for the stories. Anime tell stories that are unlike most American cartoons or movies. Think about it though. Is there anything on TV like Naruto or Dragonball Z or even Death Note? If there are please let me know because I haven’t seen anything like these anime. Anime is different; not only for the stories that they tell, but also the way that they tell them. During funny moments the animation style will suddenly change. It could go from sharp lines and considerable details to bold, rounded outlines with the facial features suddenly becoming nothing more than a few black lines. Or vice versa. This isn’t something that you see in American animation. I was watching season 3 of The World God Only Knows (great show, 9/10, would recommend) and one of the characters calls the main character a cockroach. The main character, feeling defeated then proceeds to actually become a roach and is crawling through the halls of the school. All of this while the main character is having this inner monologue and then he is squished by a teacher. This is another example of something that I’m not entirely sure that American animation could successfully get away with.

Another thing. The theme songs. The ending songs. Theme songs are a huge part of anime. Everyone knows the Pokemon theme song, everyone knows the Attack On Titan theme songs, they are an integral part of the anime itself. Prior to the start of the actual anime the theme song will set the tone and give you a taste of what your in for. The second theme song to Attack On Titan at first makes you feel patriotic; you know, they’re in this army and they are uniting against these monsters (the titans). Then it takes a dramatic turn because the anime is epic and it has a lot of serious moments. You get a lot of information from the theme song; they’re also just a lot of fun. I mention the endings because they often will portray a different side of the anime. The intro to Inuyasha is epic but the endings are often very calm. The ending (Every Heart) shows you that the characters have hard moments and internal struggles but then in the ending the sun comes out and they have hope and they have each other. They too are also a lot of fun.

I stopped watching Anime for awhile while I was in high school and also during college. The second semester of my freshman year of college was when I picked it back up and started watching an anime called Fairytail. Anime is just so much fun to watch, they have good lessons in them, they teach you stuff, they make you laugh and cry and you can learn a little about another culture. You’ll be introduced to new ideas; things you’ve never even thought of.

Now I will say that there are some people who take their love of anime a little too far…the weeaboos. These people are obsessed with anime and manga and they try be Japanese even though they aren’t. It’s a total cringe fest and it’s not something that should be encouraged. The reason I say that I’m not a weeaboo is because I’m not obsessed with anime and manga or Japan. I do enjoy it, but I don’t live and breath for it.

So yeah I guess that’s all I have to say about that. I would encourage anyone who hasn’t seen any anime before or maybe you’ve only heard of it or maybe you had a bad experience with a weeaboo to try it again. There are funny anime, there are serious anime, there are sad anime, all sorts of genres to choose from. This month I will be starting a new thing on this blog called: Monthly Reccs. On this list of recommendations I will be recommending all kinds anime as well as some other things. So you can look forward to that if you are interested in anime but you don’t know what to start with.

Thank you for reading,

God bless


The Worship of the Rich and Famous


Everyone wants to be rich. I want to be rich. Not everyone wants to be famous, however everyone wants their fifteen minutes. I would be lying if I said that I had never fantasized about having everyone’s eyes on me; even if just for a moment. But as a society we seem to covet these people or what they have. There is a strange, sick fascination with the wealthy and well-known.

In the past I too indulged in this obsession. I used to watch a lot of reality TV; Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Flavor of Love, Bad Girls Club, the lot. I know that I personally enjoyed watching these people toil and triumph in their everyday lives. As though they weren’t real. As though I were watching a movie. We get a kick out of seeing these people’s lives fall apart in front of our very eyes. I would love seeing girls fight each other over men and rumors and he said, she said nonsense. Why is this considered normal?

I’ve done some reading and I have found that a lot of this comes from dissatisfaction in our own lives. Say you find yourself lonely and single on Valentines day. You might watch The Bachelor where you can vicariously live through these people who are going on dates and having a fun and exciting time with someone that they love (someone that they claim they love). Maybe you are barely making ends meet and so you turn on a show in the The Real Housewives series to see someone with an abundance of wealth and imagine yourself in a similar position. This is what I have deduced so far. People watch these celebrities because they want fame and money.

But here’s what I think. We are giving the wrong people attention. Way back when, I’m talkin’ like 1700’s, 1800’s we used to give our attention and respect to scientists and doctors and people who wanted to make a difference in the world for the better. Now all eyes are on reality TV stars and actors and musicians and athletes. In fact they are some of the richest people on the planet. In what world does it make sense that a basketball player makes more than a doctor? Oh what a world we live in…

We live in this technological age where you have an abundance of knowledge at your fingertips. But people would rather learn more about the “Brangelina” divorce. Educational TV exists but people would rather know what the Kardashians are doing. We put these people on a pedestal and for what? Because they dress nice? Because they look good? Because they entertain us…I could go into the value of entertainment over knowledge but that’ll be another post.

Thank you for reading,

God bless