Depression and Suicide


This is gonna be a long one. I wasn’t always a K-pop (Korean pop) fan. An old friend introduced me to k-pop in middle school. The first k-pop song I had ever heard was SHINee’s Ring Ding Dong. I didn’t like it at first, it wasn’t particularly my cup of tea. I then went home and I found a few of their other songs and gave them a listen and I fell in love with this group. They were all seriously multi-talented people who, in my opinion, deserved more praise than they got. I’m now in my twenties and in college and I am still a huge fan of SHINee. Kim Jonghyun contributed so much to the group and to the k-pop industry as a whole. He was an incredible singer, a great dancer, a fantastic songwriter and as a soloist, I was so glad when his albums did well. It came as a complete shock to me when I found out what had happened to him yesterday.

I woke up yesterday, same as I always would and I got a cup of coffee and sat with my family while they were preparing for the morning and watching the news. My dog greeted me with his ears down and his tail wagging and in return, I gave him a nice rub behind the ears and cuddled him. Suddenly I hear my mom go, “Look! SHINee died!” I at first thought it was a joke, as my family thinks that it’s rather silly of me that I like k-pop so much. So naturally I go “hardy-har-har, no they didn’t.” “No seriously. Why would I joke about that?” I sigh and go get my phone from my room, disconnect it from its charger and check the news. I type “shinee” into the google search bar and wait. The headlines made my heart skip a beat. There were so many in all kinds of news sources so I knew that this wasn’t just some cruel rumor. I go back into the living room where my family waits for me and I tell them that my mother was right, someone in SHINee, my favorite group, was dead. My empathic sister goes “Oh no! I feel bad for her! She loves them!” I pretend that I’m ok in front of them. Then I go walk my dog and while we’re walking through the park I let it out. It was fairly early in the morning and since it’s cold there aren’t too many people out so hardly anyone saw my tears. I was genuinely hurt by Jonghyun’s death. He was someone that I admired greatly and whose songs I would listen to almost every day. I was hoping to attend a concert of his in the future.

I was surprised to hear that he was so depressed. He always seemed to be smiling and he constantly seemed happy. I’ve heard that it’s common for depressed people to not act depressed all the time. Something that I did notice however was that on his latest album and with the last singles he put out, the lyrics…they were rather sad. They spoke of hopelessness and loneliness. He was really crying out for help. I also read his suicide note and that spoke of loneliness as well. He spoke of how he had been depressed for a long time and how he had tried to go get help but, nothing seemed to do the trick. I feel bad for him, that he was so sad and felt so helpless that he saw that the only way out was suicide. I too have struggled with depression in the past. I know that it’s hard I know that giving up entirely seems like a good idea. But it’s not. This is the point where I stop being nice and start being real and honest. I got some really, really good advice concerning depression and emotions. If you don’t want to hear it (cus you might not like what you hear) then stop reading right here.

I really hate suicide. Suicide is the most SELFISH thing a person can do. I mean it. Kim Jonghyun made a selfish choice when he decided to commit suicide. In his suicide note, he said that the doctor he went to told him that he was the problem. He didn’t like that. He didn’t like being told the truth. He didn’t want to hear that problem was with him, and not with another person, not with his job or anything else. He asked the doctor why he should continue living. He said he believed that the doctor told him to go on for him, for other people. Jonghyun didn’t want to hear that either. He said he wanted it to be for himself. He said he wanted to live for himself. Selfish. In his note, he said he didn’t want anyone to feel bad about it and that he didn’t want anyone to be mad at him, that he just wanted people to say that he worked hard. He felt that he wasn’t good enough and that he would never be good enough. Not talented enough. Anyone that knows SHINee or Jonghyun knows that those things aren’t true. I understand when someone feels like they aren’t good enough, everyone feels that way sometimes. But, to take your own life for that…almost unforgivable.

Suicide is selfish because there are repercussions. Your suicide affects other people. Family, friends and in his case fans. He had millions of fans and people that cared for him. Him committing suicide reflects how he truly thought. That he was more important than them. That the pain that he would cause to all of those people doesn’t matter because he was in pain. Instead of thinking about what the doctor said, taking it in and considering it, he decided to reject it completely. Jonghyun wanted to hear what he wanted to hear and if it wasn’t that then the doctor was wrong.

Let’s talk about depression. I’ve had it. I know people that have had it and were suicidal but, didn’t go through with it because they knew better. When you are depressed I know that it is so hard to dig yourself out if that hole. I had to do it. I had to force myself out. You know how? You have to change your thinking. It is so easy to let the bad thoughts run rampant through your mind and do serious damage, but you can’t allow that to happen. I’ve gotten good it. When I feel those thoughts come in I take a breath and say no. I say that’s not true, get out of here with that bs, we are never going back. A lot of people don’t realize that they have the power. They do. They can make it stop. It’s your mind. You control it. For those people whining about a chemical imbalance, your making excuses for yourself so that you don’t have to try. So that there is no responsibility on your shoulders.

I don’t know what Jonghyun’s faith was. I prayed that prior to his death that he was saved. If he was not saved, then I think that that’s really terrible. That is the truth, as harsh as it is that is the undeniable truth. I hope that after I die that I will be able to meet him in paradise and if he isn’t there…If he were faithful or maybe more faithful then I truly don’t believe that this would have happened. When things get rough we are supposed to rely on God. We are supposed to lay all our burdens on him. Deuteronomy 31:8 “And the LORD,he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.” God is always with you. Jesus sacrificed his life for you and he is everlasting. He is what should sustain you. If you can find no reason to live, no reason to believe in yourself. Then don’t. Believe and trust in him instead. Believe and trust in other people.

Suicide is selfish and cowardly. Jonghyun instead, like the doctor said, wanted to run away from this rather than face it. So, while I am sad that he gave up and he did indeed work hard in his career I am also not afraid to call it like I see it. He was a selfish coward. A kind, talented and selfish coward. I’m still a little mad but, I mean it. He will be missed, this shouldn’t have happened.

Thank you for reading,

God bless


Brain vs. Beauty

iceberg underwater

People truly do disappointment me sometimes. When the Titanic struck the iceberg all those years ago I’ll bet that it looked something like this. When I watched the movie I thought it unbelievable how an iceberg, not that big, could sink an unsinkable ship. I, at the time, had no idea that this is what most icebergs actually look like. Small and almost harmless looking at the surface but, big and menacing at the bottom. This post is almost exactly what you think it is. The top represents looks and the bottom represents personality.

Here is what I’m not saying. I’m not saying that girls shouldn’t wear makeup. I’m not saying that people shouldn’t try to look their best, especially in public. I’m not saying that dresses are wrong nor am I saying that pretty people are wrong for well, being pretty. I’m not even saying that looks don’t matter at all, they do. If you choose to leave the house looking like a hobo every day then you can’t get upset when you don’t get invited to an upscale event. People probably have it in their heads that you can’t afford to dress nicely for the event and that you haven’t a care in the world how you look. Humans are visual creatures after all. It only makes sense. How do you determine whether or not to eat a rotten apple? The apple doesn’t look appealing, it looks nasty.

Here is what I am saying. Looks are not everything. I’ve had conversations about this with a lot of people. Many people said that personality is totally what’s most important. That is also the politically correct answer. Others struggled to give me an answer. Because they probably thought that looks mattered more. All I could think was, how can you be so shallow? Is this really all you look for in a partner (other than wealth)? If your partner were to be in an accident and they were disfigured would you divorce them if they no longer looked the way they used to? Is this really who you are? I was horrified. Now I’ll admit in the past I used to think this way. That beauty could cover any other flaws that I had. That is something that I’m glad I grew out of.

roald dahl beauty

I love this quote by Roald Dahl. I have experienced this to be true in real life. I’ve had friends who were not considered conventionally beautiful but, as I got to know them for who they are, they became beautiful to me and probably maybe vice versa.

With all this being said I believe in the age old saying “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. For example a lot of people find Jennifer Aniston really pretty…I do not. The saying also suggests that not everyone is pretty, at least not universally. I know some of you reading this post are probably thinking wow she must be ugly, that’s why she’s saying all this. To make herself feel better. And regardless of what I say now this is probably a thought that will stick in your head as you read this. But, honestly, I don’t think that I’m ugly. My face anyway. I’ve been complimented on my looks plenty. But, gosh. Sometimes it just grinds my gears to know that some people out there truly only base things on looks. They don’t bother to even attempt to see past a persons’ face. We are more than our looks. I would never marry a beautiful man with an amazing body who was an alcoholic and is rude to those who work under him. I would never be friends with someone like that.

Anyway, I just wanted to get my thoughts out about things like this. It just really bothers me. You may or may not disagree with me *shrug*.

Thank you for reading,

God Bless

My Weight

scale pic blog

Yup. Here it is. I’m doing this. I’m going to, first of all, tell you guys why I left the blog for awhile. Ok so, you guys already know and I’ve made this excuse a million times but, it’s still valid—I’m lazy. Sometimes I don’t feel like doing research and sitting down to write. But, I’ve finally gone back to college so there. There is a legitimate excuse. Now onto the real topic of this post. If you don’t want to read about me complaining about my weight then please travel to another post. Thanks.

I’m fat. Similar to, sadly, most women in these wonderful United States; I’m overweight. I’m not repulsive, I’m not even 170lbs or for those of you not in the United States, 77.1 kg or 12.1 stone. But I definitely weigh more than I should. This is not something that I’m proud of. This doesn’t make me happy, quite the opposite actually. My current weight is not the heaviest that I’ve ever been and I will never get there again. It was 170. At one point my little 5’2.5 frame was forced to carry that much weight. I lost a lot of that weight in an unhealthy way last year. I was also in a bad place mentally and with my faith. But, all is well now so, no worries friends.

Eat less, move more. This is the basic formula for successful weight loss. This is something that I have known for a long time, as unfortunately, I’ve been overweight for most of my life. I was very thin as a child, I would only eat fries and Fritos and I didn’t eat much. My mother was actually accused of starving me, my legs were chopsticks. All that. The summer before my senior year of high school I went on a strict low-carb diet and I was running and exercising every day. I lost a lot of weight and I got down to a healthy weight for my height. I remember that time. I was happier and I definitely felt better, physically and emotionally. For the first time ever I was not ashamed of my body in clothes. I didn’t have rolls and lumps sticking out of my clothes. Not there are tons of those now. But I do feel a little better in big baggy T-shirts and sweats instead of, you know, cute clothes.

I know, you’ve done it once and you can do it again, right? CORRECT. But, gosh dang it! Why does it have to be so hard?! Plus, I simply don’t have the patience. I’ll be dieting well and working out just fine…for a few days, but then I weigh myself and I haven’t lost very much weight. I know, it’s only been a few days. Rome wasn’t built in a day. It took you more than a few days to put on all that weight, it’ll take you more than a few days to get it all off. Then, and I know that this is bad. But, I do weigh myself every day, every morning to be exact. I know that you aren’t supposed to do that but, it’s so hard not to. That’s how I get my inspiration for the day! Typically if I lose weight then I’ll be more motivated to make sure that I eat clean and workout that day but, if I gain weight or if I don’t lose weight then I’ll feel discouraged and I’ll just give up. Awful, I know.

Y’all it’s just hard. Oh yeah, and like I mentioned at the beginning of the post I’m lazy. I’ll admit it. I am fat today because I am lazy and I eat too much and I eat too much if the wrong things. I’m not a fat activist. You know what? I’ll go into fat acceptance in another post. But yeah I am perfectly aware of the real reason that I am the way I am. I just wish that…it was a little easier. Said every fat person ever. I need to get this under control.

I want to feel better. I want to not be embarrassed wearing a dress and worrying about how gross my legs and/or arms look. I want to feel more confident in a pair of leggings. I know that there are bigger problems in the world. Especially with all these natural disasters that have accumulated these past few months. But, I’ll be honest I don’t let myself do what I want if I feel fat. I’m aware that there are lots of plus-size fashions out there but I don’t want to shop there and I don’t want to feel like I have to shop there. If you are overweight and you are fine with it then good for you but, that’s not me. I don’t want to support this body. I feel like if I shop at stores like Lane Bryant then that is me saying that the way my body is now is ok with me. And that is not the way that I think at all. I want to feel the way I did my senior year of high school—even better! In my senior year, I was thinner than I had been for a long time but I was skinny fat. I wasn’t toned very much at all really. That’s another thing.

Working out and getting good results and toning takes soooooo long! Too long. If you eat clean for two months then you will see that you are smaller. If you eat clean and workout, you may be a little smaller but, you won’t look that much different. I’ve seen before and after pics where it’s like before, then 1 year later, BAM! I don’t wanna wait one whole year to look the way I want to look. Diet is hard but, fine I can handle that, but working out, every day and you don’t see results for a long time…that. That is dedication that I don’t know if I can handle. Mad respect for those of you who turn their lives around and they stick with what they’re doing and don’t let a lack of results deter you from your journey. Because that is what I do. Every. Single. Time.

Thank you for reading,

God Bless

My Passion For Writing


I love writing, as you can probably tell from the title. Writing, in my opinion, is the best form of self-expression. I’ve tried things like painting and drawing (fun fact: as a child my dream was to be a cartoonist). I quit because I thought I wasn’t any good at it. Which I wasn’t, but I wish that I hadn’t quit. If I hadn’t quit then I might be really good at drawing today…but alas, I’m not. I couldn’t get into painting because there is no clear direction in which to go when painting. I really admire painters and people who can easily paint. By “easily paint” I don’t even necessarily mean talent I mean just people who can pick up a brush and paint what they want. I could never do that.

I started writing when I was a child. Back then I was still drawing and I still wanted to be a cartoonist but I also wanted to be an author. I believe it was the 4th grade that I wrote my first story. It was 60 pages exactly and I was really proud of it. Back then was also when I started reading a lot of manga and watching anime. So the story read like an anime if that makes sense. It was cringey. But still, I’m proud of my little 10 year old self. Also I didn’t type it. I wrote the whole thing by hand. It was a typical love story with a love triangle in the later chapters.

As I got older I wrote another story that spanned over several spiral notebooks. It was about a band (I was going through a heavy metal/punk phase). It was your typical sex, drugs and rock n roll story with romance. I started it in middle school and I tried to finish it in high school, but I had quite a hard time. To this day I have yet to finish it.

Something that I’ve noticed is that the kind of stories that I want to tell, change and evolve. That is something that I’ve seen all throughout my writing. When I was writing the story about the band I noticed that as the story went it on, it became less juvenile. As I grew and my writing improved, my story reflected that. It’s really cool in my opinion. Maybe other writers can relate. My growth as a person and as a writer is also the reason that I don’t finish most of my projects. I’ve started so, so, so many projects and honestly the only one that I’ve ever finished is the very first story that I’ve ever written. I’m currently working on something that I do plan on publishing. Man, writing is a process…a great one, but still a process nonetheless.

I love the way I feel when I write. It’s like-things just flow, you know? When I write I can feel the creativity flowing from my body onto the page and making words. Words that make characters and these characters produce feelings and they do actions and they make mistakes and they save people or they kill people or they go to sleep or they scream or cry! The possibilities when you write are endless. This is why I say that writing is my passion. I can do it forever. I used to stay up late and write chapter after chapter for as long as I could before I pass out. I feel alive when I write, it is so much fun. I cannot wait until I finish this book that I’m currently writing. Actually I take that back, because I always form attachments to characters and I just dread it when the book is coming to an end I have to say goodbye. It’s like saying goodbye to a friend, a friend that I created and formed and sculpted.

Anyway, I love writing.

Thank you for reading,

God bless


sensitive bubbles

I really am. This is something that I’m not proud of. My feelings get hurt easily and holy crap. Holy Crap. I really really really really really really really really REALLY wish that I was one of those people that could take anything thrown at them and not react. Or that I was one of those people that could take it and throw it back with equal or more intensity. But alas, I’m not. Do you wanna know what I do instead?

I cry. Or I’ll hide my face so they don’t see my reaction. But they can see it. I hate giving anyone that satisfaction; maybe it’s because I’m a millenial that I have this issue. I’m not saying that I want to be some soulless monster but I just…I don’t know. Things would just be easier if I could turn off my feelings sometimes. I’m sure that that’s how a lot of people feel. When there is an issue I’ll know for a fact that it was either my fault or someone else’s or it’s in the past or whatever, I’m basically saying that I know all the logistics of what’s happening and why. So for me when I cry it’s this physical reaction that I feel I have no control over. When I think about the issue or try to solve it I don’t want to cry but I just do. Then you know what happens? I get looked at like I’m crazy. I just wish that someone would understand that crying is just this physical reaction. I know everything but, I don’t know why I’m crying. I wish that people would understand that and then just leave it be. Just leave me to solve the issue or help me solve the issue-just don’t look at me like I’m crazy for crying.

It’s not even that nasty, sobbing, nose dripping crying either. But, I am sensitive. That’s something that I hope to fix in the future. I hate being affected the way that I am. I am sensitive to people’s words and actions and to the way that they look at me. I see others and they seem unaffected by any of those things or at least they have perfected the “poker face”. This is the method that seems most feasible. I’m getting better too. I do my best to keep a straight face and think about something else, ignore the sadness or rage brewing in my belly and think about something nice…like cake or F is For Family(great show on Netflix, NOT for kids). I’m not alone in feeling this way right? I don’t feel alone in this. Like I said this may just be a millenial problem or it could just be that some people are more sensitive than others.

Speaking of sensitivity is there any truth to a person possessing the ‘highly sensitive’ trait? Or is this some new generation mumbo jumbo? Because a lot of that seems to apply to me. I would love to blame something like that for me being the way that I am but it seems like an lame excuse…If it’s not an excuse, great. Then I am a highly sensitive person, if it’s nonsense then I’m just sensitive. Whatever.

Thanks for reading,

God bless


poorly drawn heart

What is love? Baby don’t hurt me…The Haddaway song lyrics resonate in my head when I think about it. Love that is. But seriously; what is love? I feel a little dumb asking this question but surely there are others out there who also think this way, right?

Love is complicated. Love is blind. Love is pain and joy. Love scares me. I say that maybe because I’m inexperienced. I’ve only ever been on one date in my twenty years of life and I’ve never had my first kiss. So when I watch movies and hear songs about love I just can’t understand where their coming from. When I am with my friends and someone has their significant other with them and their doing their couples stuff I just can’t help but be confused.

Here is what I don’t understand. How is it that these relationships are formed? I have difficulty making friends. I’m very introverted. But, there are plenty of introverted people in the world that get married and have relationships. So naturally I ask myself, what am I doing wrong? I could go on and on about what I think is wrong with me but that is for another post. I don’t understand how people get to that place where they are so comfortable with each other and then their vulnerable…it almost makes me uncomfortable. I just don’t understand how you can be that close to someone who you haven’t even known your whole life. I, like many are most comfortable in the company of my family. I’ve had friends whom I’ve considered close but I just can’t imagine being close enough to share their everything with another person.

Maybe I’m just being silly about this. Maybe all of this is just because I’m inexperienced. I was even uncomfortable on that one date that I went on. I only agreed to go because I thought that it would only be right to give the guy a chance. Maybe we would click instantly and fall in love or something. But nope. I wasn’t attracted to him at all and the food we got wasn’t that good.

And (yes I am perfectly aware that you aren’t supposed to start a sentence with the word and. But guess what? I’m gonna do what I want) another thing. In the past according to those close to me I don’t know what love is and or I certainly have a funny way of showing it. I reacted with an incredulous look on my face at the accusation. I demanded evidence. They said that I don’t think about them, that I don’t stand up for them. That I don’t do anything for them. I immediately thought back to the things that I had said to them. Kind words, thoughtful gifts, etc. But these things weren’t enough. At the time I didn’t understand where this anger was coming from. They didn’t feel loved. I didn’t know what I had to do to prove that I loved them. I stayed silent and took the verbal beating and I tried to think about what I could do to improve my situation. To this day I honestly still don’t know what I am to do about this. I feel lost and confused and like they will always feel unloved by me. Maybe the problem is that I don’t know how to show it. Through doing favors for them? By giving them something special on their birthday? But will these make a difference? Love is confusing and intricate and complex and I don’t know…Yeah. That’s it. I don’t know.

Thank you listening to me.

God bless